5 truths I learned by 20 years old

Last night, a friend came over to do homework at my room and we ended up talking about the horrendous and exciting transition to adulthood . In the confusing world of constant change and absurdity, where an orange man-child is holding the most powerful position on earth and a sporting event just united a nation together better than any propaganda scheme could, there is one indisputable truth:

Late 90s kids, adulthood is here, pack up your privileges and deal with it. Get ready for the years of bureaucratic errands, unbalanced bank statements, heartbreak, loss of loved ones, friends, hair, and bone density 😑.

To be honest, aging is not all that negative. With the scruff on my chin and the occasional gray hair around my enlarging bald spot, I also gained some specks of wisdom. One of the greatest men to have ever lived, used to say:

Wisdom is the highest form of beauty. (Socrates — dead Greek dude)

I truly believe so. I would like to put my (questionable) wisdom on the table and write about some truths that I have discovered in the last 20 years of my life. This note is inspired by Anne Lamott and her incredible Ted Talk, “12 truths I learned from life and writing”, which I highly recommend.

1. The past cannot be erased, it can only be re-framed and reconciled

Like some of you, my childhood was pretty fucked up. Until I have gathered more courage and security, I cannot go into details what happened, but it was just so deeply fucked up. Even though I am 8000 miles and years away from those traumatic experiences, the scared, enraged, depressed little boy never leaves. Triggered by certain cues, I become him, shrinking into his frail frame, crying out tears that could not wash away the generational pain that has haunted my family.

Reality exists; it exists outside of the person. That little boy, too, exists.

But the understanding of reality lives within. I can learn to see that little boy from a third person perspective, with empathy for him but integrity of the strong man I have become. The little boy did not understand what happened; he could only react with grief and anger.

From the perspective of evolutionary biology, emotions help humans cope with events the rational mind cannot process and reason thoroughly. To heal from trauma, I must reason through my past experiences. I am constantly finding answers to questions from my childhood.

I encourage you, too, to acknowledge what happened, embrace a new perspective, to make sense of your past experiences; it is the only cure I know.

2. There is no perfect human

The Economics professor you look up to at school probably got high on cheap mushrooms in a college dorm at some point.

Your parents had far more ambitious dreams when they were young, but they failed, and gave up those dreams to raise you.

Your future spouse will not live up to the unattainable ideals that you see in your favorite rom-com protagonist. Most likely, they will have bad skin, yet even worse morning habits, and an unwavering propensity to annoy (or arouse) you at the wrong time.

Bernie Sanders made some thoughtless remarks in his presidential campaign. Justin Trudeau is probably terrible at wrapping burritos.

No one is perfect; everyone is just human. It’s okay; embrace that.

3. Everything is a social construct

Human understanding of the world never exists in a vacuum, free of historical, political, cultural and social context.

This idea is most likely to spark a heated Internet debate, of the same rank with the pronunciation of “GIF” (it’s “jif” like giraffe btw), Marxism, and the real source of evil in the U.S. (capitalism or the gays). People seem to particularly struggle with the idea that identity boxes they check on government documents are social constructs, like their race, sex, gender, and tax bracket.

Social constructivism is not a nihilistic perspective. If anything, it is an incredibly empowering idea that reveals the solutions to a better life for all: social change and movements. It challenges the entitled powerful and mobilize the underprivileged. It reveals the invisible social forces that perpetuate oppression and injustice. It helps a boy with a broken childhood to examine the individuals involved in his trauma with more empathy and acceptance, inspecting them within a flawed social pattern, not a flawed personality.

If you are not convinced, treat me to coffee and you will be.

4. Truth or dare is the game that creates socially acceptable conditions for sexually repressed teenagers to get down-right nasty.

Don’t even try to deny it, you hoe.

5. There is no better time than now

After witnessing so many tragic events, from traffic accidents, mass shootings, illnesses, wars, and children eating detergent, I remind myself every single day how precious life is, and how easily it could end. And so, there is no better time than now:

• … to tell your loved ones how much you love them
• … to forgive, amend broken relationships, and move on from toxic people
• … to dress up and treat yourself to a DIY spa night
• … to get involved in community service, take care of the vulnerable around you
• … to love yourself fully, for exactly what you look like, your quirks and gifts; but if you are homicidal, entitled, and discriminatory, then fix yourself immediately
• … to seek help for your problems, find love and companionship
• … to look at nature and be inspired by it
• … to read some good literature, produce shitty writing, and share your stories
• … to trust your instinct: your guts is all you have.

As I type this post, I am looking at the family photos I have brought from home and taped to the shelf above my desk: my sister hugging me on the old pink comforter when we were not old enough for preschool (my wiener was out, btw); me at 9 years old standing on the top of the mountain, with a bowl haircut, a few missing teeth, and the peace sign pose; my small family vacation photo, when my mom still had naturally dark hair and my dad was smiling without crow’s feet around his eyes. Time flies.

I think my parents were just as terrified as I am right now when they transitioned into adulthood. But ultimately, like all good things in life, it is only intimidating at first.